Destroying my own world single-handedly

Woah, drastic title there, eh? Well, it may seem over-the-top but the last two weeks I have watched myself scrumple all the happy things in my life either into non-existence, so that I forget about them, or into ugly balls of worry that make life seem hopeless. 

Ugh. I am a disgusting person. Really. 

But God is good (sorry to give away my conclusion, everyone). Today has been a day of God shaking me up and opening my eyes to the realities of my reality. To the positives, the negatives (most of which lie within me, nothing and no one else) and what I can and can't do about everything that I'm worried about. 

First of all last week God challenged me to take my eyes off everything that was worrying me (and there were some genuine things to worry about last week) and look to Him only. I tried it and panicked. As soon as I looked away from all those things I felt powerless and blind and it scared me stiff. Sooo, I did the only logical thing I could think of and worried about all of those things all this week, not to mention worrying about the fact that I worrying too much. 

The fruit of this worry in me was sour to say the least. I noticed myself slagging people off, thinking negatively about my relationship with my family (Ma, dw. It's not you, it's me, k?) and grinding my teeth to their roots out of frustration because I do not own a time machine and therefore cannot find out what's going to happen in the future. 

I have found myself counting my problems, not my blessings and forgetting the great things and people God has put around me. This week I had a great conversation with some girls at our Monday club, RE:MIX, about faith and God's existence - this is something that came out of the blue but is really encouraging to be part of. CU this week was wonderful - very chilled out. I went to see The Hunger Games: Mockingjay and had a quiz night on Thursday and I went to a school panto with a friend on Friday to top it all off. (The panto was amazing - it was called "Robin Hood and the Singing Nuns" and all the girl characters were blokes in drag. Maid Marian had a beard. #bestpantoever) Also I have a new coat. It's like Paddington Bear's. Totally awesome. 

So why the worry? I have money. I am seeing my family in just over a week (eeeeee!!!). It's Christmas time and that means good food and merriment. School's fine. I have friends. Goodness, I have Jesus. ("Jesus responded, "Why are you so afraid? You have so little faith!" Then He got up and rebuked the wind and waves, and suddenly there was a great calm." - Matt. 8:26) 

I have always been one to worry. My father identified this weakness in me as a child and I have thoroughly denied this fact all these years in an attempt to appear strong and in-control to myself. 

This weekend I gave up. I put my eyes on Jesus and He told me how to deal with what I had on my plate. Some things I have had to completely let go of. With some things I have to had to stop and listen in order to act the way He says I should as opposed to the way I thought I should. Some things He has shown me in their true light - good and pleasant and to be appreciated for what they are. 

I took my eyes off of myself and put them on Jesus today and He showed me that everybody else has got problems, too. Everyone's plate is full, not just my own. Everyone has heartache, not just me. Everyone has loved ones; I'm not the only one. And in that moment of revelation the worry that I had been lugging around with me all week seemed unimportant and useless. It didn't disappear but its appearance changed. The best way I can describe it is like this: for the past two weeks worry has looked like a shiny gold trophy that lets me know what a good job I'm doing being so concerned about everything. But today I saw it in its true form: a dirty, soggy rag that they use to wipe poo off the floor. It's so worn out, it's useless. It's so dirty and smelly that instead of cleaning things up, it makes them mucky again. 

Today God showed me how big He is compared to me and my worries. Am I saying I will never worry again? Nope, because I will! BUT God is good. God's grace is so great that it covers not only the things that I'm worried about, but me too when I am faithless and don't put my trust in Him. 

I am so blessed to be surrounded by a good church family, great friends and to have a good school to study at. I am so blessed to have great people to lodge with #shoutoutchrisanddawn and a job that I not only love but that gets the bare necessities (an' some) paid for. 

If you don't know Jesus and find yourself worrying about everything, go to Him. I tried everything and it didn't work. If you don't know Jesus and don't worry, I'd still recommend Him; He's always there, rain or shine.